The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
