My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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