now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
