in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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