Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
