How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
