Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
