That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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