This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
