I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize