Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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