I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Randomize
