i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Randomize
