there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
