perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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