I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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