dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
