Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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