i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
