i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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