Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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