My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Randomize
