People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Randomize
