So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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