im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
don't judge my taste in strippers
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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