I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
