I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize