Who wears a wallet chain?!
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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