I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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