Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
