I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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