y did u give ur computer a hand job?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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