i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
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