i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
