How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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