I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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