i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
