dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
