so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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