Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
