All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
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