My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
