I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
