you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
