He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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