Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
