Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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