Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
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