yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
