is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
