Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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