everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
