I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
