I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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